It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
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I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
I will never stop laughing at this
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
Nothing.
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
i made a craigslist ad !
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
2022: I can fix it