I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
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“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a