I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
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*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
I put the mess in domestic.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.