why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
You Might Also Like
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
So the ex texted me
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
Oh hi lol
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”