E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
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Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
cause of death:
autopsy.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.