Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
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Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me