Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
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My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
That’s no pocket rocket.