My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
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Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
#damn
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.