My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
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Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
i’m sure it’s fine
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
We all have our pet causes.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
OH. COME. ON.