Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
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Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
Oh the world we live in…
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
S M O L
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible