You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
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I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
Snapes on a plane.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.