stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
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Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
these two trucks have the same bed length
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?