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Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies