Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
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(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
How long do you have to wait between naps?
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching: