Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
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Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.