* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?
Me: Are you going to test me?
Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-
Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.