Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
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(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.