A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
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*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor