Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
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oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
apparently this year was written by stephen king
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”