This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
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me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.