Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
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I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
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ME: finally a program for me
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)