My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
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Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
apparently this year was written by stephen king
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
A classic…
Breaking news:
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.