[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
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Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?