Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
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TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
Sending in my taxes
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).