You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
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[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
Not even remotely sorry.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
A fake ID that makes you younger
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.