I don’t get marriage
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[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.