It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
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Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
Penguins walking in 5x speed
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
Feels like the fourth month in January
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.