A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
You Might Also Like
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything