If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
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Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
If snakes were wide
Practicing safe sax
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
*orders delivery*
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.