The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
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50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
Can. I. Help. You.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
Why am I like this?
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too