Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
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DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
He a real one for that
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself