I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
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“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.