Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
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If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming