[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
You Might Also Like
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…