We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
You Might Also Like
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh