Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
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KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.