6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
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My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
Tuesday
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.