hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
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[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
drew a comic about my origin story
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog: