The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
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When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
mood
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting