Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
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Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.