All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
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My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.