[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
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Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
This cat wants you to take your pills
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean