moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
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[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
ok like just. call me at this point
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.