[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
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My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
This raises questions
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.