Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
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Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
me linking you to my twitter
When your best mate counts as a desk too
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.