INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
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Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven