The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
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WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
It be like that sometimes 😆
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.