I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
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If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now