Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
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Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.