ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
You Might Also Like
asking santa clause for nudes
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
why am I working on Labor Day
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
oh you like architecture? name three walls
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?